The Book of Lies!
It all started exactly one year ago. I had been working as a secret
operative ever since the poodle incident. I must admit that work had been rather
slow lately. All this "good-feelings between nations" crap was making it hard
for someone who deals in secrets, hate and Jell-O pudding, like myself. That
was until I heard from the "Colonel".
Early in the month of April, I was contacted by this man. He was dining in formal fashion with his
lovely wife. You'll notice, in this picture, I am cleverly concealing a
beercan-shaped incendiary device. This was in case the transaction went sour.
I could lug the beercan bomb at the Colonel and shout something witty like,
"Bottoms Up, Colonel", as is the fashion these days.
"The Colonel" related to me the details of my next assignment. Apparently,
trouble was a-brewin. I was to team-up with my old partner, "The Dark Bearded
One", and find "Jimmy Loose Neck". Once we had located the elusive,
loose-necked freak, we were to dispose of him.
So, I quickly grabbed my sidekick, Beard-o, and we hit the road. This picture was taken by a rival organization
right after we left town. You'll notice that neither of us are driving... At
least by all apearances. Actually, I was operating the vehicle by remote
control, using my feet.
Now that we were on the road, we needed a cover. I was drawing a blank on
ideas, but luckily, Beard-o's mind is like a steel trap. He makes sure never to
dull it with drugs or alcohol, so it is a smooth running machine. He mocked my
uninventiveness and suggested we go incognito, as a Rock-n-Roll band.
It was perfect. Noone would suspect Rock Musicians of harboring thoughts
(let alone subversive plans). I changed my name to Johnny Sweat, and we became
the rock band known as Johnny Sweat and the Loco Motion. Here is a photo of what we looked like. The woman is actually
Beard-o in disquise. He is quite clever that way.
Our journey to find "Jimmy Loose Neck" seemed to be progressing grandly.
We had our "covers" and we were making connections in the seedy underground of
rock music to boot. It was about this time that we ran out of money.
It seems that rock musicians make realy lousy pay, and Beard-o blew tons of
money on this Pyramid scheme. I could hardly blame him though, it promised us
tons and tons of beer. And neither of us can resist beer.
To cover our losses, we had to make a little "withdrawal" at the local ATM
machine. Of course, neither of us had our cards, so a stick-up was the only
solution. Here are the ATM photos of Beard-o and
Me. I think we were doing quite well with the
machine... Beard-o's excessive cussing had scared the life right outta the it,
and I could almost smell the money. Then the fuzz showed up. Beard-o
disguised us both as ants and we fled the scene.
Well, we were stumped. With next to no money, and no ideas left, we had to
get crazy. I suggested a psychic medium and we were on our way. Unbeknownest
to us, Psychicland is in the back of a Red Lobster. So we had to get all
dressed up first. I am operating the aperatus in the picture, whilst Beard-o,
dressed up as the woman, gives the evil eye to the psychic. (He doesn't trust
the supernatural... or "I can't belive it's not butter", for that matter). The
other people in the photo were drawn to us, during the Seance, again by
Beard-o's excessive cursing. Here is the picture
of the Seance.
During the psychic session, we discovered the whereabouts of "Jimmy Loose
Neck". We were elated. It turns out he had been following us from location to
location. Right now, he was dining in the Red Lobster with a table of naked
people. We had failed to spot them when we walked by. When confronted, Jimmy
ran back to his hideout and we were hot on his tail. We cornered him in the
Den. I was armed with a shotgun, and Beard-o with a wooden chair.
We figured there was no escape for him. Just then, he pulls this vulcan
mind trick deal and forces us to do his will. He convinces me to aim the gun
at Beard-o, and snatches the chair from Beard-o, during the confusion. Things
got ugly then. Here is a picture, snapped by
Beard-o's faithful canine companion, Drunk Dog.
Needless to say, we captured the evil Loose Neck, and all was well.
Enough of this crap, take me back to Shane's Page.
If you enjoyed this at all, E-mail me at [email protected]